confusion, hurt, lose, pain, anxiety. These are some of the common words we often fall back on when confronted with tough decisions. But they were just words considering the way I felt that day. It was beyond comprehension, incomparable in enormity to any pain I might have felt before. It is something that I would not want to feel or go through at any other day in my lifetime. My head was spinning round and round as if I was trapped in whirlpool of grief. I felt trapped as if I was drowning in a flood of confusion and lost in a maze of disbelief.
As for my fears, they were suddenly real and what had served as real and I had taken for granted as always being there did not exist anymore.
It was as if I had died a hundred deaths but I kept clinging on to the dear life that was left in me as if awaiting bigger things to happen. I wished it would all end -the insanity. I just prayed it would be over.
It was like holding my breath underwater waiting to hit the surface but no matter how hard I tried, the surface would never come.
Suddenly, time had come to a halt and life was meaningless. I had no reason to go on. There was no will to survive. I only lived because I was breathing. But deep inside me, I had died long before I lived. Looked at differently, it was as if the breathing was all in vain.
Hollow, that is how I felt inside empty as if a black hole had been created within me and it was sucking life out of me.
It was hard to go on but even harder to let go. Even infinity was suddenly too shallow to hide my grief. Slowly, I felt myself fade away into the dark unknown depths of emptiness.
This is how I felt for five days, which to me seemed like an eternity but like a very bad dream, it finally ended. A light shower in the darkness and I found my way back and the pain which a moment ago seemed mammoth and unbearable did not matter any more. What mattered was what I had now.
The joy I felt at that moment overshadowed all my fears and I cried tears of joy as I sat there looking into the eyes of eternity and holding infinity in the palm of my hands.
Nevertheless, I will never forget the five plagued days and someday may be you have felt the same way I have and you will remember my words. You will never know what to day then because you won’t know to say then because you don’t have the words of your own because words will fail you. Then you will value life, you will value love, you will see things that you never noticed before then you will feel alive then you will know what it really feels to be human.