Surviving Separation

“Failure becomes a death sentence when you refuse to learn from your previous experiences.” - William Van Sickle and Jim Smoke

T he most painful affair in life barring death is separation. There are innumerable things that lead to separation. Yet there e is never one single cause. Even the best of friends have had to part ways. Regardless of the circumstances, separation of people who have grown so fond of each other, shared and given the best they have and stood by each other in times of happiness and sadness is without any tinge of doubt a huge loss whichever way you opt to look at it.
But whatever happens, you can always try and lift yourself as one piece at least - only if you try.
Sanjay Kumar (not his real name) like many others was lonely and emotionally bruised when his friend of many years, Seema (not her real name) decided it was time to move on.

To his surprise, his circle of friends blamed him for the break up of a relationship that had always been the talk of the campus. Still recovering from the shock, he was left on his own to deal with the inevitable. Intriguingly, Kumar was the opposite of the popular stereotypes of the skirt chasing teenagers. Here, it was Kumar who was on the wrong end of the rod. His friend of many years had come and expressed a wish that their relationship be in the past tense. “Look here Kumar,” she had then confronted him. “There are many things I had not given thought to. I guess I was a naïve then but now I have become all the wiser and can no longer cope with our friendship. Besides I am now seriously looking at my career and do not want further distractions. It is over!”

The finality in which the last words were uttered had a devastating effect on Kumar. He began to distance himself from just about anyone who knew about their friendship- family and friends including those who were close to the person he had always been happy to be in the company. Sadness soon gave way to self pity. He felt he had nothing to live for. He had nothing to cherish. It was as if the earth beneath his feet had given way under the weight of his present tribulations. Separation had done him in. It was now tearing him apart bit by bit. The pain had become too much to bear. He could see right before his eyes signs written over with guilt, failure, inadequacy. Each step he took forward, he felt as if the whole world was staring and mocking at him.

This was a less familiar route that we often assume separation takes. The more common is the scenario where men dump their girlfriends who are left desperate, distraught and dejected and feel used and discarded. Men it is assumed move on with their lives and look forward to new conquests. The men are always perceived as the ‘victors’ and the women the ‘victims’. However, this classic scenario is no longer the rule. There are many exceptions. Psychologists and counselors across the world seem to be in agreement on this one. They have come to discover that men also toil in the separation – recovery field as they attempt to recover from the devastation that separation brings into their life. But like in many other issues that border on gender disparities, they remain just a hidden statistics that we may never think about. When we do, we always assume they are strong enough to go through the storm and emerge stronger.

Unless men are also understood and counseled to help them survive the trauma of separation, their lives are bound to be affected with the possibilities of devastating consequences. They too need the love and compassion that will help them realize there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Reaching Out
A couple of male friends who have gone through the tribulations of separation from their loved ones have always struggled with alcoholism in the initial stages. But soon they realize that it is very similar to anesthesia after an operation. Like morphine, it does not take away the pain but just makes you indifferent.
There are many ways that one can respond to the situation and come out unscathed or minimize the bruises at least.

Tacit Acceptance
The first thing is to accept a very simple but painful truth. Separation, regardless of the cause, minor or major, is the failure of a relationship. Those who spend hours and hours trying to find reasons should realize that it does not change anything. All the players are involved and separation is the result of a number of issues that may have been piling. The final cause could just be the trigger. Acknowledging your role in the murky issue is very important if you want to move on.